I just need to blow off a little steam. So for the past twoish years I’ve been used to all this muscle/joint/nerve problems. Diagnosed with Fibromyalgia which nobody fucking has, let alone a teenager, and markers weave in and out of arthritis, whatever. Like I’m used to being in pain every day, it’s just a part of my life now. and I’m used to having flare ups where I can’t get out of bed some days. They suck, but it’s my life now.

But Monday I’ve had the worst flare up since I’ve been treated. Not only could I not get out of bed but my mom had to physically lift me up and basically carry me to the bathroom so I could pee. I haven’t been able to walk without anyone’s help. I couldn’t do my hair myself. Like the last few days have been hell. I spent all yesterday in the hospital hooked up to IVs and I FUCKING HATE IVS and the needle hurt so goddamn bad and when they were putting the port in a just started crying because it hurt and then I started thinking about the fact that I’m 17 and in the hospital unable to walk and being hooked up to all that shit while everyone else was in school and I just started sobbing uncontrollably and the poor nurse was all like “Yeah some people are just never okay with needles doesnt matter what age” and then I cried more because I felt bad that she felt bad because she thought she was hurting me but it was just me having a meltdown. Anyways the doctor wanted me to try new pain meds and my family is so anti-drug use but I finally convinced my mom to let me try it since our holistic medicine isn’t working. and my future roommate saw my tweet about being in the hospital and she texted me because she was worried about me and that was just so fucking nice I wanted to cry again.

Fast-forward to today I wasn’t allowed to go to school because I had so many new medicines and what not but I felt slightly better today. I had some energy and pain was less in certain places. But to walk I have to use a cane. I AM 17 AND HAVE TO WALK WITH A MOTHER FUCKING CANE. Idc if that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but how do I go from being #1 Goalie in the county, super field hockey athlete to crippled fuck in one semester? No words. It’s so incredibly depressing I want to cry. and I have been. and we were at dinner tonight and I kept dropping my fork and everything I picked up until I was just too frustrated to eat anymore. I just wish there was a magic pill I could take once and make me into a normal teenager in a normal healthy body and I could have my life back. 

Ranting on here won’t help my body feel better but I think I’ve gotten out all of my rage. JK forever hate my body. 

HA most 17 year-old girls hate their bodies because they think they’re too fat/skinny, don’t like their boobs, or the way they look, but nope not me I’m at war with mine because it DOESN’T FUCKING WORK. 

okay okay, I’m done for real.